WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WHO LIVES IN NEW YORK?

Lunch!

What was the last thing to go through the minds of the people on the Brooklyn Bridge?

Teeth.


Why couldn't the helicopter get out of Central Park?

Because of the escape claws.


Why didn't Lady Liberty fight the monster?

She had no head for violence.

What? Too soon?

DIE, PILOT, DIE

As Jill pointed out, there's a lot of eulogizing the pilot going on, following the announcement that NBC/Universal was going to be making them so much anymore. Surely there will be others studios taking the same view. Naturally, it takes months of WGA strike for them to get a point they really should have gotten to on their own, much like the ending of upfronts. Perhaps when the strike is resolved, we'll finally have continuous, year-round development.

I'll not eulogize the pilot. I'll congratulate the studios for finally waking up. It's been a long damn time since the pilot was a functional tool for getting to series and they were the ones that killed it in the first place with 7-10 million dollar budgets and unmaintanable production values.

"Antiquated business model," says Elizabeth Guider. Hit that rusty nail on the head. It astounds me that the entertainment industry makes sooooooo much scratch, because they're just not good at it. Instead of being megamillionaires, they could (so easily) be gigamillionaires. I guess I admire their nongreediness.

The pilot is not dead though. They will still need to be written. I would argue that the written pilot will mean even more. That writing has got to kick some mighty ass to get a straight-to-series order. (At least, I hope it does, otherwise...gah).

The fact that they don't actually get shot shouldn't mean a damn thing, since we never got to see them anyway. In fact, one of my favorite pilots ev-ar, was Global Frequency, the pilot that escaped to the internet, found an enthusiastic audience and all Warner was interested in doing was getting pissy about it getting out. They'd rather have thrown away the millions of bones that do anything with it.

I'm still amazed that, a year after that, when they put Mercy Reef/Aquaman up on iTunes and it became the number one TV download that fucking day, that they haven't done this again. In my view, getting some money back on a blown investment is much better than leaving it in a vault and not making even a femtocent on the thing.

So I say "so long pilots, ye just weren't the same no more," and usher in the era where when we say "pilot" we just mean a script that makes or breaks right there. and then.

LOCUTUS 1993-2008

Feel free to share your memories of Locutus. Because you've never met him, you are encouraged to fabricate them.

Like the time he stole that twin engine Cessna because he wanted to get into the business of running coke from South America to the Keys.

THE SOFTENING OF SARAH CONNOR

Don't get me wrong, I liked Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I'll certainly be watching it, but the fact is, they've taken some of the bite out of the franchise. And I'm not talking about plot. I can deal with the changes they made to make the thing viable on a continuing and weekly basis. No, it's a style issue.

And they didn't just take the bite out going from movies to TV. They softened up the show from original pilot to aired pilot. See my original (p)review...or don't. Doesn't matter.

Let me start with a positive though. One change from pilot to pilot I totally approve of is casting Dean Winters as Charley. I dug him in Oz and in Rescue Me and in all kinds of other things and I dig him in this.

And I can totally buy Lena Headey as the new Sarah, but she was much tougher in the original pilot. The prime example comes at the end of the show where we get the soft lens out in the yard of the new house with the slow motion and it's a sunny day. Somehow the war drums are supposed to make it ominous. And what's Sarah wearing? Looks like the softer side of Sears.

The original version had Sarah, in black tank top, gutting the walls so she can hide guns in them while Terminette and John tend to the arsenal. It plays like the coming storm.

From the script:



• SARAH CONNOR'S FACE
  
• Battered, bruised. Badass.
  
• SARAH (V.O.)
  
• It's gonna be a goddamned dogfight.
  
  
  

Of course they weren't gonna get "goddamned" in.

What. The. Fuck.

It's the Terminator. It's implies violence in the title, a title that was changed to put "Terminator" in it. It's war. Why are we sapping it of its potential coolest moments right out of the gate. Is this some attempt to to broaden the appeal to people who will not be watching the show anyway? Because it's the Terminator.

Just...

Gah.

Well, I saw those names in the producer credits and so did you. John (Veronica Mars) Enbom, Toni (Battlestar) Graphia, and Natalie (Heroes) Chaidez...and, of course, Josh Friedman. I'm going to throw a flag for network interference on this one and chalk it up to the suits once again realizing that they can second guess what people want all they want, the fact is...they don't know and they never will until the numbers come back, by which time...it doesn't even matter anymore.

THE IMPORT RACKS

You may be wondering what I've been watching lately. Just as equally you may be 600 pound super-intelligent, giant-sized, cyborg marmot.

The answer, my huge, mechanical, furry chum is that I've been having at some British TV. It's something I do anyway, but I tend to do it more in American TV downtime, like the summer months. However, all the time is downtime now.

I periodically hit the BBC, ITV, etc sites to see what's new. That's how I first found stuff like Life On Mars, Jekyll and even Spooks...way back when.

First up, The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, from ITV2. It is, much as it title implies, the life of a high class call girl, played by Billie Piper. It's, to me, much like the 2G (3G really, because the current crop of "girl gang" shows are the 2G) wave of what Sex & The City began, but dirtier. Good clean dirty dirty fun, it is. It's not change-your-world levels of writing, but it's solidly entertaining and I had at the whole series in one go.

It won me over damn quick though, with this line in the first minute of the first episode.


• HANNAH
  
• I wasn't abused by a relative, I've got no children to support and I've never been addicted to anything.
• (beat)
• ...except for maybe the fourth season of The West Wing but...you know...
• 
  

As Hannah/Belle, Piper not only narrates the episodes, but frequently goes fourth wall-less, as frequently as she goes crotchless. She gets odd clients, gets attracted to the wrong guys at the worst times and there's the little thrill of looking in a certain world.

I understand Showtime has picked it up to run in the states and a second series has been ordered by ITV.

Watch it on Showtime, because ITV has not one, but two bugs on screen and one of them is an obnoxious, opaque green...or because it's, you know...more legal.

After that, I had a look at a few, but not all of The Sarah Jane Adventures, The Doctor Who spin-off (the Doctor Who theme underlying this post was unintentional, but unavoidable, Piper being on the first two seasons). I admit, I let some genreism get to me, because I wasn't going to look at it as it airs on CBBC and as such is pretty much aimed squarely at 12 year-olds in the way that Doctor Who really is not.

It's no misconception. It is really aimed there and three of the main characters are that age. There is stuff in there for the parents and nods to the parent show and that makes it, to me, better than the average kids sci-fi show. Some of the stuff just seems silly. Like Sarah Jane's sonic lipstick variation of the sonic screwdriver (which, btw, big shout out to Adam who sent me a fucking sonic screwdriver for my birthday) and "Mr. Smith" the super-computer she's got stashed in the wall. However, given the source material, silly is to be expected, it just doesn't have quite that "Douglas Adamsy" flavor, but ultimately, it finds away to work within its own contexts.

Of huge disappointment is that, despite a brief appearance, K-9 (the tin dog) is written out of the show for the most part. It's only of consequence to Doctor Who fans, but it blows.

Effects quality is variable, but in the pilot it's all-stops-pulled.

Naturally, the better stuff seems to have been written by the big dog at Who, Russell Davies.

Sarah Jane has a cool character arc going on as she starts out as a closed-off and frosty individual (who investigates alien stuff). She fears for the safety of those who would be around her and she's still a little stung about getting left in Croydon (or rather Aberdeen). Also, she gets a second chance at a bit of life she missed out on when she finds herself adopting a son...who was artifically created as an adolescent in the first episode.

If you've got kids, I recommend it. You can watch it with the and actually enjoy the show. It's not dumbed down.

New episodes of Primeval started today. I'll have to look at those too.

Then there's Kingdom, Stephen Fry's series. The second series begins this month. I never got around to the first series, but now...

FOR YOUR INCONVENIENCE: NETFLIX

African genocide. World terrorism. Public education. Drugs. Poverty.

Whatever. I shall, instead, rail against the redesigned new releases page of Netflix.

Pay attention, Reed Hastings.

Netflix, you flashy bastards. You've gone and fixed up shit that wasn't broken, there by breaking it. You've crossed that final line into full-on corporocity (word? It is now.)

If you're a Netflix user, perhaps you've used the Friends page (if not, move along, you;re not gonna care). You know the page. The one with the sliders that show you images and rating of what your friends have, are and will watch.

And perhaps you've used the New Releases page. The one that listed (past tense) all the DVD's released in the upcoming week (usually Tuesday) that are going directly into the the Netflix library. Not just a best of the week list, but a everything list. From drama and comedy to documentary, sports, and guerrilla-knitting instructionals. They weren't especially lengthy, but they also have dynamic pop-ups showing you the basic info on link hoverage. An exceptionally useful page. A great way to find stuff you don't know to look for. I found some cool stuff on that page (or some that just seemed cool).

Les Examples

• Tristam Shandy
• Men With Brooms
• CSA: Confederate States of America
• In Enemy Hands
• Wordplay
• Cashback

Now, they replaced it with a page full of those stupid fancy sliders. One is of general new releases, (i.e. big studio flicks that you've already been inundated with advertising for over the last six months and very few actual new releases, as just one or two slides down the row and you're at flicks that came out on DVD two or three months ago). Then there's a second slider you can toggle through categories. There's no real rhyme or reason to the selections in those. Then there's a slider for favorites in your town. Like I fucking care.

Whiskey tango fucking foxtrot, Netflix? Put it back...not even replace your bells and whistles page, just put in a link. And while you're at it, solve terrorism and the drug problem. (hint: buy all the drugs and send them to the terrorists).

THINGS I DO WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING #23

I totally pretend I'm a rock star record producer. Trent Reznor totally enables me in that delusion.

Sometimes there's the cranking of the guitar, Steiny. Not quite as frequently, there's the firing up of GarageBand. Now, aside from the fact that I think his music is the shiz-ah, there are other reasons why Reznor has a monstrous case of awesome. There's his anti-label stance, his enlightened view of digital commerce and what-not and there is the fact that not only does he put his music on the web for free, he puts it up in the form of individual tracks. As such, one with the software and copious amounts of free time can manipulate his songs like Bush manipulates the constitution...or you can do cool stuff with it.

Hopefully I veer more toward the cool stuff. Judge for yourself, if you're so inclined. My remix/mashup of three NIN songs (titled "My Great and Terrible Master") can be found on remix.nin.com (wherein Reznor has enabled his fans to share their creations and they can be rated (rate mine highly, if you would...lie if you have to) or you can just pull down a slightly different version from here.

There will be more. Take that as a threat if you must.

YOU WHEDON WORSHIPPERS, I'M TELLING YOU ONE LAST TIME

...and by "last" I mean "I'll probably tell you again"

Last night I had the good fortune to spend New Year's Eve amongst a group of people of which I only knew two before walking through the door. There were many clues (many too geeky to recount) I was in the right place. One such clue was the "Serenity" room. Someone had decided the first movie of 2008 should be Serenity, and thus it was. As people entered the room, many were asked to complete the sentence "Joss Whedon is..."

When "god" wasn't the answer, it was still voiced as being the first thing they thought of. It generally was the answer.

There were some aspiring writers and fully-achieved TV geeks in attendance, and in talking about our favorite shows and writers (lots of Joss Whedon talk) I had to try to talk about Doctor Who, Russell Davies, Paul Cornell and Steven Moffat. Nobody was on my page. That's okay, but I realized that there was likely not a soul in that room who wouldn't utterly flip like Courtney Kupets on speed for this show, and thus I feel I must once more make my case for the show, but with these points (including specialized Whedonite points).

• It's a new year, so you can make watching Doctor Who (and for that matter watching more quality British programming) a resolution.
• The writer's strike has been grinding on long enough that most of what you're watching just isn't on and isn't going to be for a while, so you've got the time.
• Netflix carries it and there's no wait.
• It airs on Sci-Fi channel, you can TiVo it. In fact, there's a marathon on Monday (though it seems they're showing the second half of a season and then the first half of the same season, so beware.
• With three thirteen-episode seasons, it's not too hard to catch up.
  

Now the Whedon-centric points.

• Most, if not all the writers cite Whedon as an influence.
• An enormous number of critics compare Doctor Who to the Whedon shows favorable and many call Doctor Who a worthy sucessor.
• Dollhouse ain't gonna be on for a good long while, so you've got time.
• Anthony Stewart Head in the third season. James Marsters on the spin-off show, Torchwood, this season.

Seriously, a rawking group. I look forward to hanging with them again. There may be some tapping involved. And untapping.