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*He is not a secret agent. Not at all.



Third in a series of posts where I answer questions from interviews of other people. Each interview is chosen by readers. You can suggest one yourself in the comments.

In this edition, I am interviewed by whatever questions the anchors and entertainment reporter managed to eek out during Tracy Morgan's loopy appearence on the Chicago WGN Morning News. This one suggested by fellow hometown boy Adam Marshall.

Early morning guy, Tracy?

I'm an early morning guy in that early morning is when I think I should be going to bed. And my name isn't Tracy.

What do your tattoos say?

I don't have any tattoos, which it seems makes me a bit of a freak. I'm not opposed to getting a tattoo at some point, but my criteria for getting them are very strict indeed.

I find most tattoos to be either ridiculously cliche or lacking in any real and permanent significance.

Whatever I get, it has to have meaning. A real personal meaning to me. A word in a foreign language system doesn't hold any meaning for me.

Somebody once asked me why I don't get a NIN tattoo, seeing as I've been a loyal fan for almost twenty years. Because what if, one day, Reznor suffers a head injury and turns Nine Inch Nails into a Vegas lunge act. Any tattoo that can conceivably turn on me one day is out of the running.

Maybe if I one day get my own series on the air, perhaps a related insignia might find it's way on to my skin, but other than that...not bloody likely.

Anything you want to ask Star Jones?

I'd totally forgotten about that self-aggrandizing, greedy, frog-eyed fame-whore. Why would your bring her up so long after she's thankfully faded from the mainstream.

If I were going to ask her something, it would probably be something about the tastelessness of getting corporate sponsors for her own wedding? I can't help but to be disgusted when people who are clearly a part of the top five percent of income-earners (especially when the reason they were getting paid is beyond understanding (read: talentless fame-grabber) are too damn cheap to pay for their own extravagances. It's not like she was doing it so she could spend the equivilent on orphans.

Also, I'd ask her about how self-delusional she is. Did she not understand that flaunting her wedding that she didn't even pay for on The View day in day out was going to alienate the average View-viewer, who are likely trying to raise a couple of kids on less than a couple a million dollars a year. And also, the denial of gastric-bypass surgery. She was basically saying their stupid too. She just wanted to make herself look more awesome and better-than her audience.

Can you tell I hate out-of-touch, self-centered twits?

You got a few teenagers at home, how is that working out for you?

Not too badly, seeing as they're about a foot tall and covered with fur. They're pretty low maintenance. I heartily recommend them.

I want to know how this goes. Tina Fey comes up to you and says "I've got this conceited, obnoxious guy I think you'd perfect for."

Tina Fey can say whatever she wants to me.

Is it fun?

Let's start with Tina Fey talking to me, then see what happens after that. Cart, horse.

You're going to be at the Improv in Schaumburg?

No. I would love to get back to the Chicagoland area, but even if I do...the chances of me going to a comedy club in the 'burbs are pretty damn slim.
©2024 Michael Patrick Sullivan
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